HOW TO GO TO IKEA AND NOT HAVE A MASSIVE FIGHT AND MURDER PEOPLE
Ikea is a wonderland of cheaply made furniture and hate. Ikea hates you and wants you and anything you love to fail. Ikea is hanging around the alley behind the back of your house just waiting for you to walk by so it can beat you up with a metal pipe made of frustration and and tiny allen keys. With a few simple tricks you can take what can be an ordeal and turn it into a fun experience or even just less of an ordeal.
- The first mistake people make is thinking it’s possible to do a “quick trip” to Ikea. Wrong! Not possible. You need to set aside at least two and half hours to get in and out. There is always some macho jerk with his partner who is like “OK WE’RE JUST GOING IN FOR THIS ONE THING” and you can tell they are going to have a massive fight before they even get to the meatballs.
- Try and count the amount of people sleeping throughout the showroom. If you find more than five reward yourself with an item from the children’s section.
- Make a list of what you want but also don’t be a list dickhead and not buy something just because it’s not on the list, you really need to be FLEXIBLE but FOCUSED.
-Every time you pick up an item that is not on your essentials list, ask yourself: “What am I going to use this for?” If you can’t think of an answer don’t buy the item
- If people stop right in the middle of the walkway in a group and you want to punch them in the head don’t punch them in the head because then you would have to go to JAIL.
- Know the line between cheap and awful. For example there is a set of cutlery that looks like it is sold to prisons and for like $2 more there is a fairly decent set.
- You can ride the trolleys you put the boxes on and it’s pretty fun and old ladies give you dirty looks so you totally feel like Dennis The Menace
- If you have ever gotten really drunk and gone to Ikea please let us know what it is like because it seems like it would be a bad idea and you would end up sleeping on one of the beds but who knows??
- After you have checked out and are in the car loading area notice that they play really good disco music so you can dance and climb on top of boxes like they are a podium to release stress.